Neko

Oh I had my soccer game. We lost... again. We havent won any friggin games yet... Oh well it really doesnt matter to me. It was fun today though. It rained so I was soaakkeed. But I slipped a couple times but yeah, no one cares lol.

Ok... enough about soccer I get to start Spanish tomorrow. No more gym! But the thing I liked about gym is that Its So Easy. But I hate dressing out... I mean cmon... who wants to do that? So yeah... I hear Spanish is VERY boring... what fun eh?

Oh and about the thing about me and Paige not talking. Its just my jealousy talking again... I hate it. I mean if I wanna talk to her I should atleast try and come up with something. Oh well.. she has lots of other people to talk to anyway lol. I guess thats why shes mostly quiet. Oh well we talk more on the phone anyway... hopefully I get enough sleep today... I was about to fall asleep in school. x_x Besides... when I acually get sleep I dream. I love dreams...

Ok when me and Paige talk she always says if I need anyone to talk to I should talk to her or shes always happy to listen. The thing is... it IS about her. Its not her fault, Im not mad. (Far from mad) Just depressed that the only real happy thing I had in Washington was her. Thinking about this makes me sound so selfish you know... like none of my other friends matter to me. They do... its just that... Paige is different.

Late last night I realized something while I was laying down (I couldnt sleep again so the scene was similar to the other night) Im a very selfish person inside... I cant really tell people that because well... they would go "macy no your not stop being paranoid" But really... if only they know how I really think. I mean... now that I got to think about it I really could careless sometimes... I guess the only reason I act different is because I DO care what people think... Ive been lying... I always say... I could care less what people think of me... but I dont... but I do... I guess I havent found the boundry to cut it off... Man... I wish I could find myself. Im such a big mystery... I wish my life was plain and simple like RJ's...

I really wonder about me sometimes... Im so weird.

I know it doesn't sound like anything but I hate it. I hate living here. Why? Only one reason why... its because Paige doesn't live here. If I never met Paige I'd love it here. I have REAL friends here. Who don't care what I wear, What I do, anything. I mean sure I had friends in washington who did that also... but only maybe 3 or so. Everyone else was just a bunch of shit. I found out last day of school how much people played with me. Pretended to be my god-damn friend. Why? I dont know ask them... then you could tell me. That day I cried... knowing Ill be leaving my real friends and knowing most of my life was a fucking Lie.

Everytime they say... I love you Macy! Or... say Ill always be there. Worst yet... everytime me moving got braught up they would always say how much they would miss me... how much they were going to cry when they see me leave. You know what happened when I left? They didn't do shit... They didnt fucking do shit....

The good thing is Sara wasn't mad at me anymore. Me Sara and Ashley were in a huddle. Saying how much us three would always be together. (back in Elm. we were like the threemusketters) always getting in trouble together... everything... I was happy. Then Sara found out I was bi. Yeah... shes freaked out... I cant blame here. Its not like Im normal. Though Ashley doesnt care. The thing that sucks about Sara is that i called her for her birthday. She never called back... why? probably doesnt want to talk to a bi-sexual asshole like me. I realized, since I moved here, Im way more comfortable here... In washington I worried about how I "presented" myself... Now I can be myself. And I love that. I was only like that when I was around Paige, Melissa, Ashlyn, Lindsay, etc... otherwise I was... you kow... Just there. Not talking. Not me. People eve discribed me as being a quiet person. Not hyper. No nothing. Just there.

My other friends couldnt believe they said that. When Im around people Im comfortable around Im anything but Quiet. I love my friends here. We have a lot of stuff in common and stuff... Im glad leaving washington opened my eyes... But me, being a soft hearted bitch, still miss them. Even though they lied to me... We still had memories... I grew up with them... I miss them so much... why?.... I dont know.... But once you find out.... Please tell me.... Before I whip the knife out...